It’s watching your every move.  Every page you visit, every song you listen to, everything you type it’s right there with you.  For some it’s their closest friend/only friend.  and Because no one else wants to hang out with you, you can even get them to tell you a joke or two on voice command.  well…..sort of.

You see I’ve sat in front of laptops with such features for literally hours trying to get it to finish a damn knock knock joke, with no result. 

Friend comes over.

“Dude, check out my new puter!  it’s awesome!!!”

“Oh coooool.” (my typical easy out response.  It’s the most non-commital thing i can say without downing their obvious enthusiasim for something i completely do not understand)

“And it’ll even tell you jokes when you tell it to!”

“Oh nice.”

“Computer, Tell me a joke.”

Computer says:  …..  exactly what you’d expect it to say….. Not a damn thing.

This game of Call and Silent response continues over the next hour or so….all we could get is a “Knock knock”, and several teasers but no punchlines.

I can only conclude that part of this amazingly difficult voice recognition software is programmed to frustrate you, so instead of getting a joke, you ARE the joke.  The built in isights cameras are feeding images of you SCREAMING at your laptop to tell you a joke to even lonelier computer programmers!  It’s poetry in action.

For the past 3.5 years I’ve been the proud owner of at 2003 HP ze5400 laptop, no such new fangled technology was included with it.  I have never felt cheated.  I spent about 500 bucks on my new “Magic Internet Box” and have been surfing the “intraweb” and checking “email” ever since.  I can’t say that i’ve ever had any problems with it except for a virus that I had to wipe out until recently.

What happend is the power started acting up on my MIB.  Just sort of cutting in and out and the power cord would get pretty heated.  So I called upon the only source i have concerning all things computer.  He said that i’d need to completely dismantle my laptop in order to re-solder (pronounced “sodder” NOT “soulder”!!!!  As in, “Go sod yourself if you pronounce this word “soulder” you fucking empty nut idiot) the points on some innanely named piece of electronics that was causing all the fuss. 

I am happy to say that under his watchful eye, i dismantled my computer entirely, re-soldered the points, and have it back working in all it’s glory.

though for Christmas i’m gonna see if i can’t get this damn thing to tell me a joke or two.

Talk about spoiling nature, history and culture in one brightly yellow trimed swoop.  Do you know how many trips they’ve ruined for me?  Nearly all of them.  I can’t step outside with out seeing something that i’ve seen better on National Geographic complete with Morgan Freeman voiceover and London Philharmonic back up.  Pisses me right off.  I can’t get outside without being let down anymore.

Here’s an example of the dreaded GeoSUCK in action spoiling Mayanism for Germans everywhere.  And YES I chose the image of National Geographic Deutschland on purpose.

Wanna climb a mountain?  What for when i can get a better view of it in front of my tardtube!!  It’s sick and sad all at once.  I mean i know they are out to show the world to people, but do they have to do SUCH a good job that people would rather watch them then actually experience it?!?!

“Hey Keeper………………………………………………………..You Suck!” 

I’ve had a mohawk for going on 5 months now.  I like it, it’s not a 2 foot hight blue monstrocity or anything like that, not a statement of any kinda against society, it’s just sort of on my head, normal shade.

Anyway, I ususally grow my beard out in the winter time.  It’s a thin line between love it and can’t stand how it itches.  It’s a fun little game of personal restraint i play.  I got it about 3 inches thick last time i grew it before i started to trim it, i don’t think i’ll do that this time…but i’m planning on keeping the mohawk too

I’m not quite sure if i’ll keep both, but i kinda like the idea right now.  I’ll let you know if any of my hairstyle decisions change over the next few weeks.

“Get up, come on get down with the sickness
 You mother get up
 Come on get down with the sickness
 You fucker get up
 Come on get down with the sickness..”  

You’ve heard this song yes?  Well let me suggest that you’ve never quite heard it until you’ve heard it sung by a lounge singer.  It’s amazing, quite the spectacle.  Let me also suggest that being sick has got to be the worst thing in the Universe…if not, then only a close second to torture.

The way I see it, if you dead then you’re either not feeling anything, if it turns out to be a big great nothing when you die, or you’re doing something else, and hopefully it’s not spinning impaled on one of those sharp firey rotissa-mats.

At any rate i’m not feeling very well today.

So overlooking torture…self inflicted (depression maybe?) or not (actual blood curdling torture) sickness then, by default, becomes the worst thing in the universe.  Now, in the bible doesn’t it seem like the only time people got sick was when they did something wrong?  Well it seems that way to me, so then I ask myself “Self, have you done something wrong?” to which of course I answer “um…Yes?!?!” said with that sort of child-like enthusiastic asurity.  You know the kind of asurity that sounds like they are proud of their answer, even though they have no idea what the consequences for it may be??  Well that’s it, only when i say it i’m more like a grinning idiot, and not nearly so endearing.

So either i’ve unknowingly engendered a promethian-like wrath from the Gods….or i just pick up something from someone i bumped into.  I have to say that the first makes me feel more important.

Have you ever called a friend’s cellphone, only to have someone else answer it? Like if they were in the bathroom dukin it out, or just plain busy? It’s kinda nice right? Nope.
It’s even worse when that person then acts like they have no clue who you are trying to reach, or even who you are, even though your name is very inconspicuously blazen right there on the Caller ID.

“Gee, I don’t know who i’m trying to reach..maybe it’s the person i’ve asked to speak to 6 times since you started this stupid little game. What are you 7 and a 1/2?? What, did he leave his phone at the Daycare again?I wanted to talk to him…not you. I’m sorry that you’re so lonely you’ve taken to answering other peoples phone calls. I’m sorry you’re retared. I’m sorry your stupid. Stop wasting my time.”

May I aslo say that it’s most often girls who find this to be funny, and that the only problems with the above senario are that the stupid girl who answered the phone is actually WITH the the guy you’re trying to get ahold of, and he’s probably trying to get some, and by so verbally raping this idiot you’re cock blocking your friend…so it’s just better to hang up. So i do.

You know, I really otta hand it to Snipers.

No, it’s not cause they are trained to silently slip through jungles unfettered by distance or conditions to kill whoever it is they’re after. No, it’s not for there surgen like stillness of hand, or there close relation to Ninjas. It’s because of something much farther out of the everyday reach. I admire them for their ability to not fall asleep.

That basically kicks all the ass in China.

How awesome would it be to be able to stay up for as long as you could keep yourself entertained unaffected by any lack of sleep?

I’m sick of being tired all the time, and i can’t find anything that will give me the desired effect. I’ve tried caffine, it just gives me anxious feeling in my chest like i’m about to speak in front of a crowd…which Seinfeld will tell you is the number one fear of all mankind, so that sucks even worse than being tired.

I know a kid who tried to get on this “Sleep 20 minutes every 4 hours” sleep schedule that i thought would have been candy. Turns out there’s like an 8 week adjustment period though. So it was the worst hell imaginable for 8 weeks and no one i’ve met can hack it through the adjustment period. So, though that’s better, it still doesn’t give us our inwardsinging-like goal of non-stop rock either.

Quite to the point, Sleep owns me. Whenever she calls i’m helpless to resist her. I’m the kid who’s alseep as he hits the pillow. NO snoring, NO rolling, just stone cold sleep, as silent as the grave. No matter where I am, or what i’m doing, if sleep hits…I’m out.

I’ve got to admit though that I prefer this to having the other side of thing be my lot. In fact, Insomnia should have a more disgusting name b/c wanting sleep and never getting it has got to be one of the worst things I can imagine. Let’s call it Unendingdirtvomitbodycoating syndrom. Yeah, see at least that’s more descriptive…